Have you ever felt as though you were just different? That you just didn’t see or feel what was considered the norm? If you haven’t the chances are at some point you will. In a discussion the other day with my Fiancée I blurted out that she just doesn’t see sex the way I do and that very few do. Whether that statement is correct is questionable but it is certainly the way I have always felt. Her response was to ask me to explain to her how I see sex and upon opening my mouth found I was unable to make words come out.
As I stood there looking as though a neighbour had just knocked on my door only to tell me he had taken a shit on my dog I realised I have never been able to describe it. After giving it some thought I think it could best be described as being in love. I don’t love sex, I am IN LOVE with it and by it I don’t just mean the act I mean the topic as a whole.
When I was 16 years old I remember a priest coming to our house (my mother knowing the priest well) and he asked me what I wanted to do with my life. To this day my mother still chuckles at the response I gave him: “Father I’m going to be a sex therapist”.
By this point I would say I was certainly in love with sex but the blossoming of that relationship had started years before. I started puberty around the age of about 10 I know this because I was still going to my grandmothers house on a Friday after school and recall coming out of the bathroom to openly tell her that “I had hairs growing down there”. I knew my dick would get hard when I saw the page 3 models in The Sun newspaper that my father got daily and that Jet from a TV show called “The Gladiators” caused a constant stir every week. I remember asking a lad who was slightly older than me around that time but all I remember is that is was called a “stiffy”.
I knew where babies came from and I knew they got there because of sex but the details of what sex really was wasn’t explained to me. With hormones raging and my body changing curiosity had taken over by the time I was 11. I found a book that most likely belonged to my father called “Bare Nell”. I was already a keen reader and this book had a cartoony if somewhat suggestive cover and set about reading it. Within the first couple of chapters the main character who was about 16 in the story had given a handjob to a soldier not really knowing what it was she was doing and had sex with a young lad in a field. I can’t say that I have read anything else that the author has wrote but I can say that the book was descriptive enough that an 11 year old managed to grasp a lot of the basic ideas of sexual acts from it.
I was fortunate to grow up in a small town that has one of the largest second had book stores in the UK. If I wasn’t at school or at the videogame store I would most likely be there. I would go every weekend to trade in books or other media get something new to read, watch or listen to. With my appetite for the world of sex already wet I wanted to know more. Actually…I wanted to know EVERYTHING! The lifestyle and relationships section wasn’t very big, no more than a couple of shelves. But for me I had just uncovered a goldmine of information. I would skim through what I could while I was there but couldn’t bring myself to actually buy a book. At the time I didn’t think they would let me considering I was only 12 and I admit I was embarrassed. What I would do is purchase something from the store as I normally did and would “borrow” one of these books. After I had read it which never took long I would return the book and get a new one.
I wish I could remember all of the books that I read over the next few years but the ones that stand out in my memory were:
“The Good Sex Guide”
“The Good Sex Guide Abroad”
“The Ultimate Sex Guide/Book”
“The Karma Sutra”
“My Secret Garden”
“Women On Top”
Along with these were any eroitica I could get my hands on. Two of which I can’t remember the name of but I remember the stories and some of the scenes depicted within them vividly.
While most were just guides with illustrations, tips and exercises “My Secret Garden” by Nancy Friday is to this day one that I think was the most important. The reason for this is that a lot of the others were guides, telling you what to try etc but this book was a collection of female fantasies that real women had given her. It provided me with a decent insight into female thinking from a sexual perspective but also helped me to understand that the mind is so so so important to sex and that everything stems from what goes on in your head.
The more I read the more I wanted to know, my passion and love for the subject just evolved perhaps to the point certain people would say I was obsessed. I remember thinking to myself that If I was going to be having sex in my life then I was going to be fucking good at it. I knew what things were called, I knew how they worked, I knew a plethora of ways to do a plethora of different things and I loved having all that knowledge. I loved finding out how others thought about sex, how they saw it, what taboos there were, why they were considered taboo. If it was in any way related to the subject I just NEEDED TO KNOW.
Knowledge however isn’t enough. You can go to school or university and study to your hearts content about any subject and it will teach you everything in theory. Applying it in the real world is an entirely different beast and quickly you will most likely learn a lot more and find that a book can’t teach you everything.
A book never told me or explained to me how I would feel the first time I gave a girl an orgasm. How could it? But my first full on sexual experience (that wasn’t solo) was to play with a girls pussy and bring her to orgasm with just my fingers. Her pants never came off, I didn’t see anything other than her face. I had the knowledge of what to do and applied what I had learnt. But nothing could have prepared me for how intoxicating the smell was or how starry her eyes looked the closer she got to orgasm. The feel, the warmth, the texture…all of this wasn’t in any book. I wasn’t prepared for the arm that wrapped around my neck and pulled me crushingly against her chest as she was gasping for air while her body contorted when she came. I wasn’t prepared for the feeling I got from the experience at all.
She was laying there as the after effects rolled over her biting her bottom lip with her eyes half shut, it was a beautiful sight and I just lay next to her feeling the most satisfied and powerful I ever had up to that part of my life. I had just caused that to happen, I had just given a person an amazing feeling, I had caused them to react that way and they loved every second of it. I felt whole in a strange way, as though some part of me had been missing and I had now found it.
Maybe I’m just not good enough with words but I feel as though I will never be able to do it justice in an attempt to explain it. Perhaps that has gone a little way to doing so.
This was how it began.